how to find love
Many have asked, many have answered, and you’re still single
February can be a difficult month for lonely people. No one likes parsing through dozens of casual-but-not-too-casual couple pics on Instagram, or reading someone’s weird humble-brag on Twitter about “just how lucky” they were to get a Valentine’s Day reservation at a Michelin-starred restaurant (“I can’t believe my dinner at Gröss was only $900.” Well, we can.).
Anyways, here’s a guide.
Step 1: Decide you’re ready for love.
Some of you really have this part down.
Step 2: Clean yourself up a bit.
Critically, and obviously, you need to have a bed frame – or a very good artistic reason not to have one. You should also have a set of nice wine glasses (if you drink), nice hand soap, and something on your walls that makes your place appear lived in.
You’ll also want to manicure your online presence. You should either barely exist, or exist very intentionally. Admittedly, this only really matters in the earliest stages of meeting someone – but unfortunately it does matter, and can be difficult to manage. That Rick and Morty YouTube essay you posted before the pandemic? Your Tinder matches watched that before they unmatched you.
When you do post online, it’s always fun to play around with a fresh aesthetic. This is your opportunity to subtly show off your wealth and taste: a tennis racquet resting against a bistro chair, skis packed tightly into a Subaru, a signed contract from your female friends confirming you’re really normal.
When in doubt, you can also employ a timeless rachdele classic: posting a picture of coffee and the book you’re reading, or coffee and a really beat-up journal, or coffee and a weird map from a gas station, or coffee and a worse coffee.
Step 3: Get yourself out there!
Contrary to popular belief, acting like your soulmate will be a stranger randomly striking you up in deep conversation at Starbucks may not yield consistent results. Between Gen Z’s resentment of small talk and the likelihood of a chatty stranger to be proselytizing a religion that evades taxes, you might want to look for more meaningful connections elsewhere.
Instead, I’ve found that many non-online relationships (including my own) come from loosely pre-existing social networks. While that means more work (going to a friend’s party, joining a bowling league, hosting an event and telling people to bring their friends), it’s just good practice. You can’t be unmatched from an experience.
Try being a regular at that new coffee shop, dive bar, library, gun range – it doesn’t matter. Before you realize it, you’ll start to recognize people, and the conversations you’ll form will be much more natural than staring down a girl at a crowded bar until she concedes, lets you buy her an Appletini, and sends you away. Fostering an interest in other people is a great path towards becoming an interesting person yourself.
Step 4: Strike up a conversation - online or off!
You get one shot with someone, online or off. To make it count, think about who you are outside of work. What do you like doing when you’re not holding a device? I know it’s a tough question, so remember: you’re not a “foodie,” you don’t “like to travel.” And most of all, you do not enjoy “hiking outdoors.” You’re reading a Substack!
(Moreso, these generalities are just unbelievably boring to hear.)
DMing someone is ok, but it has to be a substantial comment. No “hi” or “what’s up?” — tie to their personality. Make it seem relevant. Something like “Hey, have you heard about the FTC cracking down on non-competes? Kind of weird we haven’t heard a ton about it by now. Part of it might be because the commentary class people don’t realize that people who made sandwiches at Jimmy Johns were asked to sign non-competes. Jimmy John’s! It’s not just about their high-frequency trading firm or whatever. Or maybe I just haven’t been paying enough attention to the media. Anyways”
Dos: make a self-deprecating joke, ask genuine questions, make compliments, mention gravity is actually only a theory
Don’ts: give your detailed dating history, complain about your boss who just happens to be a woman who looks like your date
Step 5: Don’t lose hope!
It’s normal for these things to take time - if it were easy, of course it wouldn’t be as valuable.
But if you’re a really uncool person who is difficult to be around, you can always try to form your identity around one of the higher-priced instruments in your kitchen. Think expensive mixer, coffee machine, bread maker, grinder, even a blender! As long as you are convinced that it’s the *best* in the class, then it’s for you! You will have to memorize the complete name (e.g. “Nitro Hydro DF64 grinder sourced from a small-parts factory in Shenzhen, China”) and the top five customer reviews.*
Step 6: Still no luck, really?
If you’re paying for this newsletter, you can send me a message with your best traits and key information and I’ll see if I know anyone in my personal rolodex.
If you’re not paying for this newsletter, ask yourself: does God want you to be lonely? The answer might be yes.
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*This newsletter is about finding love, not keeping it.