how to go to a party without knowing anyone
go big or go back to your cold apartment
My apartment is full of empty wine bottles and warm blankets. I moved to San Francisco a few weeks ago, and due to my body’s inability to metabolize iron pills, I’ve spent much of the time since landing at SFO oscillating between scheduled extroversion and anemic exhaustion.
It hasn’t been all bad. When I have energy, I invite friends over to sit on my $100 Craigslist couch and complain about the cloudy weather over pet-nat and soft cheese (which tastes better at the 200% markup from the organic market). I have spent lots of time alone, scrolling Twitter and attempting a forensic investigation into whatever the hell is going on with all of the new right-of-center accounts on my timeline post-acquisition. Despite all these delights, there’s still something so inviting about the Californian sun that a day spent in your apartment, even when laying about with friends, feels like self-administered punishment.
In stark contrast are the moments I’ve spent in strange environments meeting new people. I’ve found myself drinking a mediocre beer in front of iconic San Francisco Supervisors, A-list electronic musicians, bartenders just a hair away from buying the bar they work for, and girls who seem to have more in common with myself than my sister. When you’re out and about and cheerful enough to strike up a conversation with someone new, you never know who you might meet.
In most cases, I have had a tenuous connection to the host, or was someone’s plus-one of a plus one (the best parties are the ones with second and third derivatives of invites). Given this, attending these parties can lead to brief moments of discomfort and awkwardness, and occasional confusing interactions (once I told someone I knew the host from Twitter, and the man I spoke to launched into a five-minute soliloquy about how crazy it was that I was still working there, that he’d been fired a few weeks ago, and that the people left must REALLY be crazy…only in SF, I guess). Typically, I bring someone with me, and we debrief afterwards over a late-night burrito.
Aside from a couple of tiny gasp moments, I’ve left with many phone numbers, many funny stories, many promises for beer nights soon, recommendations for bars which sound like outright hedonism (to someone coming from the Midwest), and, perhaps most valuable of all, new friends with whom I’ve succeeded in hanging out with again and again. All from awkward interactions! I won’t gatekeep my formula. (If you live in the Bay Area and are throwing a party with at least three other women present, drop me a line and you can see me put the below into action.)
Determine the atmosphere
This can be tough, since it’s typically felt over texting. You should get a sense of the number of people going, the timing, and what level of formality is appropriate. Some parties are just guys sitting on a couch watching YouTube videos, and you need to make sure that’s not where you’re going.
Feel at least ok
You’re a cool person. (You’re reading this!) And it’s crucial to remember that, when you talk to someone who won a MacArthur Fellowship at your age which they’re being sooooo humble about, that you don’t lose sight of your own worth. If you’re particularly anxious, take a shot as you walk out your door (no one will know!) or bring someone you can pull into conversations.
Assemble the fit
Wear something simple but intentional. More than a gym fit, less than a dinner date. You can certainly stand out if you want, but be prepared to answer questions about the cowboy hat.
Bring something
Never show up empty-handed. You don’t have to specifically bring alcohol, but I don’t care if the host tells you that you can show up with nothing — bring something. I used to know a guy who would carry around strange specialty bottles of liquor and walk around pouring shots if someone didn’t answer a trivia question correctly; it was a very funny conversation starter.
Initiate conversation
Find the person who looks the least enthralled in a conversation. Say something. Don’t overcomplicate it.
You can bring a few conversation topics to the party if you really want: a funny thing that happened at your job this week, place you’re traveling in a few weeks, movie that you just saw that reminds you of something here. I tend to bring up why I left Chicago and moved to SF, or why I picked the neighborhood I moved to. A guy walked up to me over the weekend and told me I shouldn’t forget how tall I am, which is a comment I’m still thinking about. People get paralyzed about conversation topics, but, again, it doesn’t matter half as much as you’d think.
Like Oscar Wilde famously said, “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their life a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” I love a great quote like this to share in conversation.
Get someone’s number and follow up
The most painful yet crucial element of this is actually following up. It’s so easy to let something slide and pray they’ll text first, when in reality they’re feeling the same. So circumvent the nerves by quickly texting a “Beers soon?” the next day. Then put your phone in your pocket and go for a walk. Life shouldn’t be that hard.
If you have any interesting conversations at parties, please share them with me. Inside of all of us is a tiny Oscar Wilde just dying to discuss hyperpop over Bud Light. You’ll just have to trust me on this one, so lean back, sip your lukewarm beer, and ask people why their half-sister moved to Tucson.