So, I just moved back to my little tiny hometown in the Midwest… Population 20,000 people. This after moving away for almost 30 years, primarily living in big East Coast cities like Washington DC, Philadelphia, and New York City.
What I found after returning here is that lots of people Actually just have regular standing dates with their friends. My best friend here basically has his whole week planned out every single week… Not anew. It’s been planned out for months because he always sees the same guy (or guys) on Saturday. The same guys on Tuesday. The same guys on Friday. And his family on Sunday.
This is not unusual around here
At first I found this sort of weirdly rigid. And it is pretty rigid, tho all these standing dates are flexible as needed
But he’s not lonely or isolated, despite being single and underemployed
Now?
I can’t help but think it makes sense for more people to just find a good friend and make them a fixed part of their calendar.
Just back from Dublin and "pub culture" there is honestly really refreshing and laudable. Crowds were multigenerational, everyone was talking and (cliche coming) "no one was on their phone"
Nothing has improved my social well-being quite as much as making turning my local arthouse movie theater into my functional living room (and also becoming a regular at the pizzeria across the street). I am friendly, if not friends, with all the staff, and there is a constant rotation of volunteers giving chances to meet new people each time I go. Went 200 times last year, and may well match that number this year!
thank you for this! I have been considering grad school just to have that community experience again. planning hangouts way ahead of time, while having to decide a perfect location and activity and spending a crazy amount of money just to maintain a friendship is not normal!! I miss the days of just chilling on the couch together and yapping away. there was no excessive planning, no pressure. just genuine connection that happened frequently.
Dalva! I used to live in San Francisco and spent many a night there a million years ago. Thanks for the throwback.
I moved to a new city and found myself making friends through a local nerdy discord my husband found on Reddit. The common thread is people love to go to movies and that's an offline experience that's easy to commit to, even if you're not super social. It also helps that we're in a small city that's not a scene. Its been nice to have an offline community and have gone to parties, dinners, nights out, etc.
This was such an insightful and enjoyable read. I've always struggled with making friendships, but something about post-pandemic culture has made it even more difficult to build connection with others than it was before. Thank you for sharing!
Great post! I agree that social media is making us less social- the illusion of friendship versus real friendship. I hope we can bring back complimenting strangers shoes!
Thank you for writing about this! This topic has been on my mind for a long time. I think you’ve explained it accurately, the pain of the awkwardness and truly being open with people is too high a price now. It’s easier to be home alone where no one asks anything of you and you can be part of “online communities” which means never having to really put yourself out there. I’ve been doing my best to fight against this, and appreciate the ideas you added.
So, I just moved back to my little tiny hometown in the Midwest… Population 20,000 people. This after moving away for almost 30 years, primarily living in big East Coast cities like Washington DC, Philadelphia, and New York City.
What I found after returning here is that lots of people Actually just have regular standing dates with their friends. My best friend here basically has his whole week planned out every single week… Not anew. It’s been planned out for months because he always sees the same guy (or guys) on Saturday. The same guys on Tuesday. The same guys on Friday. And his family on Sunday.
This is not unusual around here
At first I found this sort of weirdly rigid. And it is pretty rigid, tho all these standing dates are flexible as needed
But he’s not lonely or isolated, despite being single and underemployed
Now?
I can’t help but think it makes sense for more people to just find a good friend and make them a fixed part of their calendar.
That’s actually prioritizing relationships.
Just back from Dublin and "pub culture" there is honestly really refreshing and laudable. Crowds were multigenerational, everyone was talking and (cliche coming) "no one was on their phone"
Yes exactly! I love a good no-TV, minimal-phone use bar
Nothing has improved my social well-being quite as much as making turning my local arthouse movie theater into my functional living room (and also becoming a regular at the pizzeria across the street). I am friendly, if not friends, with all the staff, and there is a constant rotation of volunteers giving chances to meet new people each time I go. Went 200 times last year, and may well match that number this year!
Wow! That's incredible. I'm a big fan of the Roxie, too, in SF
this is legendary!
thank you for this! I have been considering grad school just to have that community experience again. planning hangouts way ahead of time, while having to decide a perfect location and activity and spending a crazy amount of money just to maintain a friendship is not normal!! I miss the days of just chilling on the couch together and yapping away. there was no excessive planning, no pressure. just genuine connection that happened frequently.
As I read this I couldn’t help but think about how much I love it when people cancel plans with me.
There is a particular relief for sure! Haha
Dalva! I used to live in San Francisco and spent many a night there a million years ago. Thanks for the throwback.
I moved to a new city and found myself making friends through a local nerdy discord my husband found on Reddit. The common thread is people love to go to movies and that's an offline experience that's easy to commit to, even if you're not super social. It also helps that we're in a small city that's not a scene. Its been nice to have an offline community and have gone to parties, dinners, nights out, etc.
This was such an insightful and enjoyable read. I've always struggled with making friendships, but something about post-pandemic culture has made it even more difficult to build connection with others than it was before. Thank you for sharing!
Great post! I agree that social media is making us less social- the illusion of friendship versus real friendship. I hope we can bring back complimenting strangers shoes!
Many of the people you describe seemingly have chosen and deserve the boring lives they lead.
i visited a friend a town over and halfway through the drive i almost bailed but didnt!
Thank you for writing about this! This topic has been on my mind for a long time. I think you’ve explained it accurately, the pain of the awkwardness and truly being open with people is too high a price now. It’s easier to be home alone where no one asks anything of you and you can be part of “online communities” which means never having to really put yourself out there. I’ve been doing my best to fight against this, and appreciate the ideas you added.
Someone sent this to me -- thanks for quoting my piece!
I’ve always thought about this. It’s like you put my thoughts perfectly into words!
I live in Costa del Sol and always go to the same restaurants. They know me. I love it.
Thanks for this
*Chef’s kiss*